lum7777's Xanga

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 06:46:26 GMT

Yes I'll autograph your face

As some of you may know, 3 of my dreams came true. (1) I finally beat a baby at Thumb War (2) I washed whites with darks resulting in no pink socks and (3) I performed on stage for a musical! Despite my lack of singing/dancing training, I somehow convinced the judges at Broadway by the Bay that I could play an Asian woman in The King & I. All I did was take off my shoes upon entry, pull the edges of my eyes upwards, and drive away poorly.

Little did I know the amount of work that went into such a show. For a month and a half, we had nearly daily rehearsals that lasted 3-4 hours. Cast as a royal dancer, I flounced and flailed my arms around like a muppet on LSD among a group of amazing twinkletoes.

I had 1 line to deliver to which the director kept sighing in frustration "Drop the accent! I don't understand a word you are saying!" Sadly, I was not trying to put on an accent. I just naturally have marble-mouth. Years of speech therapy didn't cure me and neither will your scathing words, mister. Why else do you think I communicate with the world via blog??

Here I say "Lodie Thihng, Vhy mast whee druzz loik diz fer der Bratsh?" (translation: "Lady Thiang, Why must we dress like this for the British?").

On Tech Day, we rehearsed 12 hours straight. During our down time, we bust out some zumba. That's right, when we don't have to dance, we....dance.

The nightmarish part of the show was having 5 seconds to strap on a putrid-smelling, loose-hair-filled, ill-fitting dog mask for the ballet. They asked me to dance with the cartoonish dog mask because my real face was "too dog-like for a family show".

Stefania and I in our dog costumes sans mask. We smile now but once that mask is on, underneath reveals the most downturned frown you'd ever seen. It is worse than this if you can imagine: : (

Another cool costume was the western ball gown. It has been my dream to wear one of these since childbirth (which, for my Mom, would be like giving birth to an open umbrella).

With the downtime between our moments on stage, we often press our bodies against each other and smell one another's sweat. Here I am with "B.O. Baby" and "Eu de Ass".

Here's the beautiful cast! There are a couple of whities hidden amongst the sea of yellow. Try and find them!

Passed on from show to show, the Gypsy Robe is traditionally given to the ensemble member who has been the most helpful and hard working. This year, the director made an exception and spun around the room blindfolded with a piñata stick. And guess who got beat the worst?! It was insta-popularity!

When assigning children to the royal wives, they eyeballed our hips and shoved the twins in my direction.

Here are some professional photos from the show. Here, Anna daydreams about her dead husband. Perhaps it was the mysterious shadowy figure in the back that killed him.

Anna teaches us Geography. I space out and think I should have taken Psychology instead.

Hand by hand, we pass on the swine flu.

Here is the entire cast praying to Buddha that our show will be a success.

The most exciting part of the show was the Small House of Uncle Thomas ballet where I had to run on and off stage to play the part of rain, forest, slave and dog. My body lends itself well to versatility.

Here I am rain as I get all up in Eliza's bidniz. This is the action shot right before she kicks me in the crotch.

Here, I scurry out as forest. I subject her to more abuse as I poke the hell out of her with sticks. She pinches the voodoo doll's stomach and I double over in pain.

Here I am slave. I am one of the proud people bowing down to evil Simon. This was the hardest role as we had to curl up in a ball without falling asleep.

I was originally cast as snow. However, I kept crushing the snow to make snowballs so the role was taken away from me (apparently the "three strikes and you're out" rule holds true in the theatre as well). Instead, Joanie and Ashley grace the stage as snow.

My last role was dog. My decrepit body survived many bruises from the intense dance. Here I creep up on Simon. Joke was on me though, as Simon often had beans before the performance and I was always unfortunately positioned.

The only positive thing about wearing the godawful mask was the easy blame shift which I used often. "Oh - that wasn't ME who tumbled off the stage. It was THAT dog" or "Oh - it wasn't *I* who stole your wallet. It was THAT dog". Bet you can't even tell which dog I am. (hint: the rich one).

Topsy jumps for joy as we bring the ballet to a close. If you zoom in with your spy-eye, you will see that our faces are wet with sweat and tears. Mostly tears.

After the show, the king whispers to me that I am his favorite wife. I thank him with a big hug. Shortly after, I notice I am back to only having 1 wallet.

I was so happy that so many of my friends came to support me! Over 50 of my closest friends came to watch the show (some watched it more than once!!). It was truly touching and was a real eye-opener on which friends I should value more. And which I should value less. You know who you are.

Sophia organized a big group to see me on Opening Night. And would you believe a little old lady even asked me for an autograph? Naturally, I threw her pen at her face and snarled "Get in line you whore!". She was confused because there was no line.

Another big group that came to see me was my friends from work! I was actually surprised to have friends from all my past companies come see the show. They had remembered from working with me 8 years ago that it had always been my dream to be on stage. Thank you ALL for coming out to see me! It is so much more exciting to perform with friends in the audience. I'm still trying to track down the tomato-throwers. Not cool, guys. Not cool. But good aim.

And look! Mom and Dad flew in early for my sister's wedding to see the show! And Jennifer and James drove all the way down from Folsom to see it! Mom says it was the best show she has ever seen. It made my heart sing to hear that. But I am my Mom's "Lucky Star" so maybe she is slightly biased. The true honor was that my Dad stayed awake! :D

I've never received so many flowers in my life! These are only from Opening Night. By the third show, I was hospitalized from my fatal pollen allergies. It was worth it though. I mean, what's a little death when it comes to bouquets of gorgeous flowers??

The last show was bittersweet as we returned all of our sweaty smelly costumes. One day I will miss the rashes they gave me.

It was an amazing experience and I'll never forget the incredible people I've met. It was truly a dream come true and a story that will be madly embellished when I recount it to my Grandchildren one day. Yes, I did play the king and I did sing in perfect Thai. And yes, Yul Brenner asked me what my secret was and I shamed him by throwing boiling tom yum soup in his royal face.

Thanks to all my friends for supporting me through this and for all the cast members for keeping it fun and exciting every single day. I gotta go now. I'm kinda a big thing now and Lindsay Lohan is outside waiting for me to get froyo with her. Ta Ta!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 04:56:47 GMT

I *DID* age this year!

It's been about 4 months since my last post so you may have thought "Hmm..a birthday post is due. Maybe she didn't survive to live to 32." No such luck, suckas. I'm still here. Alive and kickin'. Well, more like flailing but hey - I'm 32 now. Flailing is good for 32.

This year, I was led on a birthday surprise. I was given an address and upon my arrival, I thought "Oooh - an art gallery! My friends convinced an art gallery to showcase my collection of hand-traced-turkey drawings!" But even better - Sebastian, Sophia, Kathryn and a black woman jumped out and yelled Happy Birthday!!

In a state of shock, I scrambled through my mental rolodex of black friends but nothing came up for who this African goddess was. As it turns out, my friends hired a slav...I mean... dance teacher to teach us a dance routine!! It was crazy cool to get a private dance class with some of my closest friends in an art gallery!!

Our teacher was alot of fun and had great energy. She taught us a bunch of dance styles including modern and African. The African stuff was really cool. Sebastian danced it best as he tribal jumped around wailing like Zazu from The Lion King.

We learned a routine! It was polished and perfectly synchronized - not unlike Beyonce's Single Ladies dance. However, upon going through the photos, I was only able to find photos where all 3 of us appeared to be doing our own thing. Curious.

This is an extremely advanced dance move. It is called "the letter M". Trust me - you are not going to want to try this unsupervised. You may be wondering where Kathryn is in these photos. Well, it was from this very dance move where she broke her neck and became comatose. You have been warned.

After an afternoon of dancing and laughing with some of my favorite people, we head out to Fringale for dinner. Finger licking good! (which I discovered the hard way to be a frowned-upon practice in nice restaurants).

On my actual birthday (a weekday), Sophia took me out to one of my favorite places for lunch - the only shabu shabu restaurant in town that serves human meat. I went to the tank and picked out a fat baby. There's nothing quite like boiling paper-thin slices of baby thighs.

As if that wasn't enough, Nicholas and Ty welcomed me into their new house (shocking since it was me who ruined their last one) where Kathryn made a scrumptious dinner and Ty made a decadent cake.

I fully acknowledge the fact that I ate alot for my birthday. And I need not be reminded that at my age, metabolism declines dramatically. I would also like to point out that YOU probably have less hair (men) / droopier boobs (women / fat men) than when you last read my blog.

I didn't get 32 candles. I got 1. But something is to be said about things that are tall and skinny. Like Abraham Lincoln.

I was initially kinda bummed I didn't have time to throw a big birthday shindig this year like I usually do, but having these awesome and unique experiences with my friends was SO much better. Thank you for celebrating my birthday with me!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 06:58:50 GMT

Phun with Phriends
(2 monphs worph - phew!)

It's been a whirlwind these past 2 months but I've had a grand time with some of my favorite people. Here are some of our shenanigans minus a mystery weekend to Tahoe (something that deserves it's own blog entry later - hopefully posted this year). ;)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TY!
Ty proves that you can Superman curl your hair all you want, but you're still going to age. For Ty's birthday, we took him to AsiaSF where ridiculously hot transvestites shook what their surgeons gave them. It was hard to find a photo where Ty wasn't furrowing his brow questioning the dancing "girls" bumpy crotches, but finally I got one appreciating the embrace of a REAL woman.

The evening was entertaining and we were all smiles except for the awkward moment when I was asked if I was pre or post op. Twice.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS!
Nicholas also aged but the celebration involved so much illegal activity that posting any photos would likely lead us to prison. And I do NOT look good in orange.

ADVENTURE: TRAPEZE
Question: What do these 3 things have in common - Ostrich, Penguin, Alice
Answer: We are all flightless birds

Oh but trick question! Because I flew! (Three snaps up, Penguin!)

We arrived at the trapeze gym ready to take flight. Imagine the silence of shifting eyes when we all arrived on scene wearing the same belt. Who can blame us? Serena was just wearing the IT belt last week on Gossip Girl.

I teach the group a good partner stretch and everyone scrambles to pair up. No one ever wants to play with the teacher so I waddle around hypnotizing my "friends" with the African stare-o-guilt.

The most scary part was ascending the ladder in anticipation. The most embarrassing part was descending the ladder in tears.

Like the leech that he is, Nicholas suctions to the handsome man with the cropped shirt. "Just my type" Nicholas says with a smile. Sadly, Croppy drops him into the net shortly after. Nicholas was used. Croppy is a whore.

Feeling cocky, I asked the trapeze masters to remove the net as we are ready for the real show. Reluctantly, they did and Ty and I performed an amazing feat: The famous African triple-twirl-aerial-twisty-purple-nurple-swingaling-nose-dive. We don't even take calls from Cirque de Soleil.

ADVENTURE: ARCHERY
According to Wikipedia, "The American Dream" is most commonly defined as the ability to fly through the air while shooting arrows at enemies. Having mastered the ability to fly, it was time to learn how to shoot arrows. Like the bumbling idiots that we are, my friends and I clumsily lined up like confused senior citizens queuing up for their daily medication.

We shook with insecurity and shot poorly until the archery masters replaced the target images of our childhood bullies with beloved cartoon animals. Apparently, we all still have repressed demons to deal with.

Kathryn feels powerful and declares with confidence that her new weapon of choice for all future fights will be "The bow and arrow".

Having passed the practice rounds, we are led into the woods for some real archery action. At first it was cute when the archery masters sang "Hi-Ho" as we marched in line. Until we realized that he was not referencing Snow White, but rather judging us for our promiscuous patterns.

With the fear of dying from starvation in the wilderness, I stop to lick what I thought was milk chocolate syrup from a tree. But yuk! I was wrong! It was WHITE chocolate!

Unsure why we were not finding animals to hunt, we realized it was because Sebastian was behind us scaring them all away by twirling his bows like an African ninja.

Nicholas and I shoot him.

He was delicious.

SAN FRANCISCO ZOO
Ok - so we didn't really shoot Sebastian. We just gagged and bound him. When he finally forgave us, we went to the San Francisco Zoo.

I couldn't stop staring at this regal beast. And she couldn't stop staring at what I can only assume is her favorite animal.

Question: What do you get when you cross a lion and a cougar?
Answer: I dunno - maybe this??

I love impersonating animals (meow!) and the zoo gave us plenty of opportunity. Absent from the afternoon of trapezing, Sebastian attempts flight with a set of painted wings. He was only able to achieve 20 feet.

I am bear! Strangely, with 1 bear arm and 1 human arm. I'd make a patchy bear skin rug.

SAINT PATRICK'S DAY
Every morning, I struggle with what to wear for the day. But every March 17th, I confidently march up to the green section of my closet and yank out an outfit with conviction. With grand hopes of encountering a true leprechaun (yet to be fulfulled). This Saint Patrick's Day, my girls and I hit the bar scene. Understanding we are old enough to be these frat boys' mothers, we huddle close in hopes of achieving The Cheerleader Effect.

Kathryn and I dance, mimicking the often inappropriate dance moves of the younger generation. This move, you may be familiar with, is called the African booty scoot.

And it paid off! We lure a hot stud into our circle...er...triangle (making us a square by definition). Truth be told, he stood there judging us with his devil eyes. But for the sake of the blog, I will try to convince you that he is merely getting into the spirit of things by concentrating on his flurry of Riverdance.

CONCERT: LILY ALLEN
Seeing Lily Allen in concert rocked - I love her for 3 reasons: (1) She's not afraid of singing about sleeping around and small penises (2) She's British so she uses "the loo" (3) She's name has 4 Ls in it. (that's alot!!)

CONCERT: THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS
There really isn't a sexier musical group than The Pussycat dolls (sorry Ace of Base!). And they brought it! ("it" being spiral staircases)

CONCERT: BRITNEY SPEARS
And who doesn't love Miss Britney Spears? I have lived history to have been in the same breathing space as this amazing person who is not a girl, not yet a woman.

EASTER
Easter is one of my favorite holidays for one reason and one reason only. The celebration of Jesus. And by "Jesus" I mean "Peeps".

On this special day, I went to Kathy's for brunch where Nicholas made some fresh pancakes. They came out perfect - the color of a middle-aged deer. African deer.

Kathy hid eggs all around her house and told me and a 4 year old boy to find them. Feeling quite foolish, I embraced my natural competitive nature and elbowed the child in the face to get a head start. I did not win.

Brunch was served outside in the sun. Kathy advises me to wear a bib for the potentially messy meal but I refuse to hide my jugs from Jesus.

Ty pulls a Martha Stewart out of his perfectly round arse and serves us a homemade pie. It did not smell nor taste like the aforementioned arse. It was better.

Emily Post says "Always accessorize to match your environment." Ty's bow is my environment.

After the meal, we blow out eggs and decorate them. I confirmed my status as a poor lover by showing how inept I was with blowing out eggs. I don't mean to pimp out my friends, but Ty was going through them like no one's business. I'm just sayin'.

Kathy was average. I wouldn't kick her out of bed.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 07:51:55 GMT

I am Chinese...if you please...

I am Chinese if you don't please. If you know the reference, you're a loser.

But the truth of the matter is, I AM Chinese..AND a loser! So naturally, I embrace the ox with my stubby T-Rex arms and welcome the new year with my most racist friends.

After hours of extensive consulting from my expert cook Mother, I was able to crank out some traditional Chinese dishes. She is yet to invoice me, but the resulting dishes included rarities such as Beef & Broccoli, Dumplings and Murky Water.

Look Mom! People ate my food!! And there was no puke left in my bathroom!!

Kathryn and Kathy politely clench their jaws to hold the food in to take the photo. Suspiciously heavy napkins were left on the table.

The first game we played was guessing which Chinese celebrity we represented on our backs by asking each other Yes/No questions.

Sebastian asks "Am I a chairman?". Sophia responds "Mmmm...I think you write fortune cookie messages."

Jeremy asks "Would you enjoy feeling up my pecs?" Stacy responds "Yes!! Oh wait - you mean the person on your back? Nevermind."

After exhausting every Chinese celebrity, we write notes to each other and place them into red envelopes.

"Dear Aaron, I love you more". "Dear Jeremy, No, I love YOU more".

Rather than writing kind messages, Sophia mischieviously writes fortunes to our detriment. Since then, Aaron has lost a sock in the dryer, Kathy drove into a ditch, Jeremy's dog ran away, and I accidentally ate a football.

Ty and Kathryn slip their notes into red envelopes, taking extra care of putting their confessions of love in the correct ones. Ty messes up resulting in an awkward but obligatory hookup. Jeremy is left satisfied.

Kathy and I hover in disbelief as we read that Kathyn will be bitch slapped by Obama Girl.

The next activity is guessing the race of random Asian people. Clemens scores 100%. Apparently, he has mastered mathematically calculating the angle of the eye slant to determine race. Genius.

As my party lulls, people take interest in the oranges. Kathy creates a spiral peel and places the hollow shell back on the plate. It was picked up to eat 12 times. Interestingly, there were only 9 people at my party so someone was really really dumb. And that person was me. (For the record, air does not taste citrusy).

Sebastian carves a heart out of an orange and shows everyone how much love he has to offer. Unfortunately, it is simply not enough and people turn away.

Nonetheless, Ich mag junges deutsches fleisch. Even those with glowing fetuses.

Happy Chinese New Years, Everyone!! Thanks for celebrating with me - especially ya'll white folks to which this holiday does not apply.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Jan 2009 09:00:18 GMT

Food Fabulous Food!

Yes- the food was a notch better than glorious. You may be wondering what food I am talking about. Sizzlers? Red Lobster? Taco Bell? Yes, yes and yes. But ALSO ... The Kitchen and Dinner Impossible!

My sister Jennifer organized a group dinner to indulge at The Kitchen in Sacramento. What a culinary experience! We learned all about the foods we were going to eat and explored the kitchen, bombarding their staff with questions until they spritzed our eyes with onion juice.

Jennifer and I sneak into the wine cellar. The bottle behind me is really expensive - worth twice the cost of my torso.

Kathryn, Stacy and I notice ringless chefs so we shimmied our ways over. The man on the left uses his hand to stabilize as all 3 of us "ladies" wildly groped his ass.

During intermission, we went outside for the freshest sushi ever. My sisters swoop in and leave the platters barren. The other guests sigh in disappointment as a distant fish cries.

As the middle child, I thrive at center stage. I hip check the jolly chef and continue his lesson on cooking tomato based soups. With all ears on me, I convince the audience that the secret to a rich gazpacho is a splash of human blood. Period blood.

At The Kitchen, they create custom teas with a wide assortment of fresh herbs and spices. The woman looks at Stacy in disbelief as she insists that her tea be made of grade A cannabis.

The food was delicious and everyone had a great time. What an awesome learning and tasting experience. Thanks Jennifer for organizing!!

As another celebration of food, the Food Network's show Dinner Impossible came to cook for Yahoo!'s search team. Being on the search team, I was stoked to be a part of my favorite TV channel of all time! And what an honor when I was asked to design the set! With a deadline of completing large scale posters and wraps in 1 day with little direction, I was faced with Design Impossible.

Naturally, I don my brightest outfit in hopes of stealing some spotlight. Once I saw that Chef Robert and Jerry Yang were wearing neutral colors, I knew I had a chance. I waved vigorously in front of every camera I could find.

My date was Sophia. I can always count on her to keep pace when I sprint to the buffet tables.

Stacy and I toast to "soup lemon". Nope - not "lemon soup". Tune into Dinner Impossible on March 7th to find out Chef Robert's challenge.

Sophia is always supportive of my designs as she gracefully freaks up this column.

Thanks for reading the details of how I'm packing on the pounds. I figure...I need to get my money's worth when I get liposuction.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 07:17:23 GMT

2008 Holiday Parties: Yahoo! Intuit! Home! NYE!

No December is complete without the over-the-top corporate holiday party and this year was no exception. Sorry, but "hard economic times"? Really??

Yahoo!

The theme was Vegas! It was corporate's subtle way of letting us know that working for Yahoo! these days can be a real gamble. Which is fine - but please don't make me work with that Microsoft paperclip guy! He is so smug!

My girls! We are 50% blonde and 50% blackheads. Wait a minute...let me zoom in on some of those roots...

It wasn't before too long when I spotted my manager double fisting the drinks. I encourage more drinkie to get more money. Fail.

In the Luxor pyramid, we pose by what I thought was a cement piñata. I hacked at it and it crumbled revealing nothing interesting. Just rubble and tootsie rolls.

Kara and her date Ankhur. They have the same smile which leads me to suspect they might be siblings.

Danna and Harshal temporarily abandon their dates to take a photo that screams hotness. Their dates later take revenge by abandoning them and taking a photo that screams coldness. It is too cold to post.

My date and I got married! Prop 8 say whaaatttt??!!

Stacy and Danna found some Vegas-y people. I cannot identify them but one of them has eyebrows that inspire me to play pinball.

I find more trustworthy eyebrows on my friends from PayPal! I hung out with them for 5 minutes and walk away with a premium PayPal account. Suckered!

Kathryn proves that a royal flush can be classier than an over-told joke about a queen taking a dump. (email me if you want to hear the joke).

After 3 shots of water, I am ready to par-tay!!! I probably should have asked where those beads have been...

Jeremy gives me an excuse to show off how awesome my shoes are. Zoom in to see the puss and blood oozing out of my blisters.

If I am not invited to join a group photo, I take my revenge by ruining the shot. Sorry bitches - you've unleashed my wrath.

Intuit

My friend Michael invited me to Intuit's party. Another elaborate event!

Michael was very sweet date and did not mock me for being underdressed. All the other women were wearing long gowns. And me? Inappropriate summer dress. I didn't get the memo. :(

I made friends! White ones!

Nicki plays at the casinos. Is someone nabbing her cash or simply tuning into Tokyo?

Always the last to leave to pilfer through the decorations. I went home with a vase and that sprawling staircase.

Home!

Sharon and I threw a Christmas party at your home! Despite the rain and the sicknesses going around, we got a great turnout. And what's a party without a trashy white elephant gift exchange? Certainly not ours!

Kara re-evaluates her belief in Santa. If he doesn't exist, how did she get exactly what she wanted?? A thick juicy cucumber?

Sharon gets a colossal remote control to which I politely ban from the house. It's just not the look we are going for.

Christine gets what I can only guess is a designer bong.

Sophia cannot contain her excitement as she nabs Magic Rocks from a crippled child.

Everyone plays with their new toys. Sophie is still enthralled with her new project and Kara disappears into the bathroom for 15 minutes.

I force people to listen to my guitar. Kathryn bellows out the tunes proudly.

But Dina singing takes the cake. As Rome struggles with the lyrics. Reading IS hard, Rome. Reading IS hard.

Our parties bring lovers together. Even if buffered by a hand condom.

David tries to shimmy Suzan and me towards the mistletoe for some triple play. However, at the last minute, he shoves me aside and plants a wet one on Suzan.

And I am alone. Chapped lips and all.

NYE!

For New Years Eve, a group of us went to Le Coloniel for dinner and dancing. Three of the girls had male dates. I was only able to wrangle a female date. But a hot one! Score!

Kathryn, Sharon and I start the evening out with some class. Nice smiles and sucked in bellies.

Ramon's new years resolution is to look women in the eyes when conversing. Who can blame him? Steph's got a sweet pair.

Sharon's date got her a corsage! So romantic! The other men shift uncomfortably and mumble their excuses while their dates gush in jealousy. Prom Queen!

The girls before we shake up the dance floor. Notice the lack of men in the photos. Why? Because girls rule boys drool!

Stacy, Sharon and I did not synchronize our posing. Stacy was doing her Zoolander. Sharon was doing her pageant smile. And I was doing underage Japanese girl.

With a little more alcohol in the systems, we learn a little more about the girls. While Kathryn maintains a calm demeanor, Steph and Stacy's belligerent sides emerge. A brawl starts shortly after. We were kicked out at 11:59. Rats!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! Hope you achieve your new years resolutions! See you at the gym, fatso!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 09:16:46 GMT

Happy Birthday Little Baby Jesus!

"Where are the holiday party photos?" you may ask? Patience my grasshopper, but family first. Always, family first. This year, Jennifer (sister uno) and James housed 3 generations of our Han family for the holidays. Our exceptional hosts made sure we all ate well and slept well (except for when Zachary hid my earplugs - in his mouth! Waxy!).

This was the first time my Dad met his granddaughter Calie. They bonded - meaning she laughed at all his jokes. Oh wait - she just laughs. All the time. Like ALL the time. Sometimes you can't help but wonder if the child is mocking you. She gives me unhealthy paranoia.

Nonetheless, I love the little thing. I use my Donkey Kong grip and force oodles of kisses upon her. Story of my life.

Wii turn on the wii and wii play Bungee Buddies. Do wii take it too se(wiii)ously?

Zachary practices advanced maths in hopes of becomming a "mathman" when he gets older. Ignore the bruise on his cheek. That only happens when he doesn't show his work.

It's Christmas and our hosts show off their festive tree. Here is the order of height: Jennifer, James, Tree. The tree is the winner. I just want to make that clear. Because announcing such a fact is how we Asians enforce healthy competitive nature. Grow Jennifer Grow!

The best gift is a hug! But really, that's more stocking-stuffer caliber. We'll get to the real gifts shortly.

Sophie gets me a yoga mat carrier. She is tired of my excuse "Ugh - I can't go today because I have nothing to carry my yoga mat in". Note the belly rolls. Looks like the yoga mat carrier came a little too late.

I got Jennifer the famous Japanese Kinoki foot pads. We later go online and find multiple proofs that they are a scam. Beware of them at any white elephant gift exchange Jennifer may attend in the future.

I got Zachary the Guess Who game which has since become one of my favorite games. Well, Guess Who x 2 where we each use deductive reasoning to guess the *2* characters in the opponent's hand. Geekazoid Alert!

Aside from Guess Who, the adults also indulged in other immature activities. Such as competitive games of Connect 4. There is no hesitating when playing with Jennifer as she will smack your hand down, prematurely releasing your token, and ultimately resulting in your miserable loss. Then...wait for it ... evil cackle.

Another childish activity was led by Sophia. She smuggled Zachary's coloring book and filled it with exquisite shading, texture and detail. Certain to give Zachary an inferiority complex (no wonder he prefers analytical activities over creative ones).

Man - Zachary got the BEST toys!

Jennifer got me a manicure kit. "What you like?" I ask my Mom in my best Vietnamese accent.

Aside from numerous amazing Chinese dishes that my Mom cooked (Sophie as well) and the delicious non-Chinese dishes Jennifer cooked, James made us Christmas dinner. Turkey! I know - alot of turkey entries on my blog. Wait for Easter and we may be 3 for 3. Fingers crossed!

The greatest competitors in the search arena set aside their differences for a moment to share a Christmas dinner in peace. Yes, Sophie got Dad a Google shirt and I got James a Yahoo! shirt. Recall the aforementioned competitiveness.

Except this round... Yahoo! wins!! By a baby!!

From all the feasting, we figured we needed to walk off some calories. Bug-eyed glasses never looked so cute.

True to Han blood, balance is not one of Zachary's fortes. However, the only way to learn is to throw someone in a life threatening situation to acquire such skill. And so we did. I can be trusted with your child.

As some of you may have seen from my Facebook profile, one of my favorite hobbies is putting things in containers. I ended the year with a bang by putting this baby in a box. It was wildly successful.

Thanks Jennifer and James for hosting such a great Xmas week!! It was tons of fun! :D

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Here's to a happy and healthy new year!! Don't drink and drive - Santa's still judging you!! (and I am too).

Friday, December 12, 2008

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 01:58:54 GMT

Sank Yoo

No this post is not about a Korean person. It is my racist way of thanking you. Because something I am grateful for this Thanksgiving season are you readers who prop your eyes open with toothpicks every couple of weeks to force yourself awake to read my blog. The sacrifices you make to make me happy. You complete me.

OK- now dry your tears. It is time to talk about turkeys. Because according to Wikipedia(.org), back in the Columbus-ish days, Thanksgiving was the day turkeys gathered to feast on orange and brown foods. And that is why we do it today.

This turkey is named Stacy. She did ALL the cooking from scratch. She is showing us step 28 of how to make stuffing.

Here is Stacy with a fellow turkey. Ignoring all the rules of the animal kingdom, Stacy, who is CLEARLY not the alpha in this pair, tickles the bird with a brush. She lathers it up good with butter. The bird later reciprocates.

Turkey got brown! A color that qualifies us to eat it!

A rebel at heart, I cut up the green brussel sprouts for our meal. My rational: end state is brown.

Kathryn arrives early to help out and fries up some bacon. My raised eyebrow gradually lowers as the pink and white bacon becomes ... you guessed it... brown.

Cheers to Thanksgiving! Sadly, I was not able to make this photo as I was not finished tracing my hand for the turkey paper craft.

The rest of our guests arrive (I won't say how late, but let's just say that eyebrow rose again). Kara, Ankur and Joey are all smiles which means we done good! Joey even honors us with a turkey dance.

And we shan't forget Joey's homemade sweet potato pie! Despite it looking like the Marshmallow Man's face during his pimply teenage years, it tasted delicious!

Kara and Ankur look a little fatter, wouldn't you agree?

Kathryn and I look a little gassier, wouldn't you agree?

After dinner, we gathered around for a game of Pictionary. With a majority of us being designers, we felt confident we would produce amazing pieces of artwork. But no - just a batch of scribbled papers which will be priceless upon our deaths. I'd also like you to take a moment to admire my jaundiced bald spot. Pretty.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving! Gobble Gobble!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:03:07 GMT

Sweet, Bitter and Sour

The last couple of weeks was a celebration of the senses. I took a detour from work travel to spend some time with my very sweet parents. Then joined the festivities of Kathy's bitter birthday dinner. And topped it with a wild night out for Danna (aka SourDoll)'s birthday.

Yahoo! sent me out to DC to observe some user testing so I took a detour and spent a couple of days with my parents. There's nothing like feeling completely relaxed with your family (no fart stifling necessary). And my rampant hair loss from eating Cup-o-Noodles daily ceased as I re-introduced Mom's cooking (real food) into my diet.

Mom knows that Hot Pot is one of my favorite things. It's like fishing but you always win!

In Maryland, you HAVE to eat Maryland Blue Crab with Old Bay seasoning. They are not gigundo like Dungeness crabs where you can easily dig out the meat with your hooves. These are smaller so only those with delicate digits can truly enjoy the indulgence. Sorry fatties.

I was disappointed to not finish my dot-to-dot from The Mini Pages but if it had to be sacrificed, it might as well be due to crabs. (Is it just me or does that cocky crab seem to be taunting me by pointing out the next number??)

My Dad is quite the master Chinese Calligraphist. He has set up a calligraphy station which can convert into a Ping Pong table. Optimus Prime better watch his back.

Dad writes my name in Chinese. For those who can read Chinese, yes, I have a boy's name. And yes, it translates to Korean Transparent Monk. And yes, I can hear you laughing at me through the Internet. And yes, I am crying.

THANK YOU MOM AND DAD for hosting me and feeding me so well. My thighs thank you as well.

When I got back, I went over to Kathy's to celebrate her birthday. Nicholas asked me to bring something bitter (I brought grapefruit) and he added it to the spread of an obscure collection of foods consisting of bitter melon, pickles, cheeses, cranberries, lemons, jalapeno poppers and absinthe. And then fed us a pill that alters our taste buds. It made the lemons taste sooo sweet and delicious. We all ate a ton of lemons which in turn burned holes in our stomachs. Lucky for me, I am a cow and have 3 to spare.

Ty was unfamiliar with the bitter melon. Until late that night when he became TOO familiar with the bitter melon.

Cooks ablaze. Kathy is clearly the fastest moving. Probably the hungriest.

Everyone seems to enjoy themselves except for Nicholas who was the first victim of stomach rippage.

Ty, the master baker, made Kathy a cake. I threw it in her face and then licked it all off.

After dinner, we played Bang! Being a born loser, I had to elicit help from Kathy. I still lost. You can't fight your miserable fate.

Discovering with dismay that Ty does not have a photo of me at his cube, I posed like mad in hopes to making the cut. For those of you who do not have photos of me in your cubes and feel inspi(red), please use the one below and paste your face over Ty's. Or my face if you want - Ty is pretty cute.

Such a unique birthday dinner! THANKS NICHOLAS for organizing and HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATHY!!

Before catching my breath, I popped into a phone booth and came out ready to paint the town red. It was time to celebrate Danna's birthday!

After dinner, we went to a couple clubs and bars. At this point, Kara decides to show us where babies come from. Stacy, having learned this already last week, obnoxiously yawns dramatically to show her boredom.

Danna is unhappy with the quality of our harmonized barbershop quartet rendition of Happy Birthday so she shows us how it's done. She belts it out Marilyn Monroe style. And sings all 4 parts.

I am awestruck by Danna's double Gs. Gorgeousness and Graceful-aging.

Stacy protects her Danna-cub. Who wouldn't??

Stacy does not protect Kara and me so we stick together and fend for ourselves. We were badly mauled shortly after this photo was taken.

Only a tad tipsy, Stacy gives cheer to the night. We toast to Danna's birthday!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANNA!!

Now to find something salty..... like blood. Yummm....

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Sun, 09 Nov 2008 22:03:02 GMT

Pasta, Passion & Pistols

The other night at La Speranza, a local favorite Italian restaurant, the owner Pepi was shot in the back. Being a fan of violent crimes, I decided to throw a party. But things turned grim as my guests soon became the suspects.

The ambiance gave an unnerving vibe dripping with suspicious glares and poor Italian accents.

Each guest seemed to have a motive - most were legit while others seemed to root from irrational PMS bitchiness. Allow me to introduce the suspects:

Mama Rosa is Pepi Roni's grieving widow. For 25 years, she cooked the pasta and maintained the color of her eyebrows while Pepi greeted La Sperenza's dinner guests.

Angel and Marco Roni are the racially genetically impossible children of Pepi and Mama Rosa. From years of childhood fighting, Marco's ballz of steel no longer respond to Angel's punching knee. In fact, he enjoys it.

Rocco Scarfazzi is Pepi's twin brother. He's a tough-talking business man owning vineyards. Nice ones too - like Sutter Home (the boxed kind). Tara Misu, Rocco's vivacious young fiancé maintains a firm grip on Rocco's ass(ets).

Bo Jalais, cousin of a cousin of Rocco's, manages the Scarfazzi vineyards. But can he stay loyal or will his refined palette wander to Two-Buck Chuck?

Solve the mystery yourself by riddling yourself these questions...

Can Mama resist the grip of the alluring man who looks just like her dead husband? The answer is yes because as you can see from Rocco's necklace, he is religious. And Mama be atheist.

Can Angel boost her credibility by showing of her masterment of global accents including a very racist and offensive Native American pow-wow call? Can Marco just get in character? Please? Seriously - for the sake of the freakin' game??

Must Mama continuously wave around her name card to remind people she is not "George Washington"? Might Tara Misu become more popular among the men if she changed her name to "Lady Fingers"?

Can Mama convince her only son to take over the family business so she can worship Satan in peace? Are Marco's soccer dreams genuine to fame or it is just an excuse to allow his peepers to lap up some locker room sweetness?

Can Marco find a partner to eat spaghetti Lady and the Tramp style?

By the end of the carbtastic evening, the killer was identified. Then stuffed into a meat grinder - Sweeney Todd style. We all ate it. And then diarrheaed.