| | I am Chinese...if you please...
I am Chinese if you don't please. If you know the reference, you're a loser.
But the truth of the matter is, I AM Chinese..AND a loser! So naturally, I embrace the ox with my stubby T-Rex arms and welcome the new year with my most racist friends.
After hours of extensive consulting from my expert cook Mother, I was able to crank out some traditional Chinese dishes. She is yet to invoice me, but the resulting dishes included rarities such as Beef & Broccoli, Dumplings and Murky Water.
Look Mom! People ate my food!! And there was no puke left in my bathroom!!
Kathryn and Kathy politely clench their jaws to hold the food in to take the photo. Suspiciously heavy napkins were left on the table.
The first game we played was guessing which Chinese celebrity we represented on our backs by asking each other Yes/No questions.
Sebastian asks "Am I a chairman?". Sophia responds "Mmmm...I think you write fortune cookie messages."
Jeremy asks "Would you enjoy feeling up my pecs?" Stacy responds "Yes!! Oh wait - you mean the person on your back? Nevermind."
After exhausting every Chinese celebrity, we write notes to each other and place them into red envelopes.
"Dear Aaron, I love you more". "Dear Jeremy, No, I love YOU more".
Rather than writing kind messages, Sophia mischieviously writes fortunes to our detriment. Since then, Aaron has lost a sock in the dryer, Kathy drove into a ditch, Jeremy's dog ran away, and I accidentally ate a football.
Ty and Kathryn slip their notes into red envelopes, taking extra care of putting their confessions of love in the correct ones. Ty messes up resulting in an awkward but obligatory hookup. Jeremy is left satisfied.
Kathy and I hover in disbelief as we read that Kathyn will be bitch slapped by Obama Girl.
The next activity is guessing the race of random Asian people. Clemens scores 100%. Apparently, he has mastered mathematically calculating the angle of the eye slant to determine race. Genius.
As my party lulls, people take interest in the oranges. Kathy creates a spiral peel and places the hollow shell back on the plate. It was picked up to eat 12 times. Interestingly, there were only 9 people at my party so someone was really really dumb. And that person was me. (For the record, air does not taste citrusy).
Sebastian carves a heart out of an orange and shows everyone how much love he has to offer. Unfortunately, it is simply not enough and people turn away.
Nonetheless, Ich mag junges deutsches fleisch. Even those with glowing fetuses.
Happy Chinese New Years, Everyone!! Thanks for celebrating with me - especially ya'll white folks to which this holiday does not apply.
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| | Posted 2/21/2009 3:51 AM - 436 Views - 18 eProps - 11 comments
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