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lum7777
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Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 7/7/1977
Gender: Female
Interests: Watching Broadway shows, 5 inch stilettos, Jazz, Belly Dancing, Karaoke, Settlers of Catan, Salsa (the dance AND the food), Peeps, Your mother
Expertise: Design, Broadway re-enactment, Dr. Mario, Shivasina
Occupation: Interaction Designer at Y!
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/8/2003
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| Phun with Phriends
(2 monphs worph - phew!)
It's been a whirlwind these past 2 months but I've had a grand time with some of my favorite people. Here are some of our shenanigans minus a mystery weekend to Tahoe (something that deserves it's own blog entry later - hopefully posted this year). ;)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TY!
Ty proves that you can Superman curl your hair all you want, but you're still going to age. For Ty's birthday, we took him to AsiaSF where ridiculously hot transvestites shook what their surgeons gave them. It was hard to find a photo where Ty wasn't furrowing his brow questioning the dancing "girls" bumpy crotches, but finally I got one appreciating the embrace of a REAL woman.
The evening was entertaining and we were all smiles except for the awkward moment when I was asked if I was pre or post op. Twice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS!
Nicholas also aged but the celebration involved so much illegal activity that posting any photos would likely lead us to prison. And I do NOT look good in orange.
ADVENTURE: TRAPEZE
Question: What do these 3 things have in common - Ostrich, Penguin, Alice
Answer: We are all flightless birds
Oh but trick question! Because I flew! (Three snaps up, Penguin!)
We arrived at the trapeze gym ready to take flight. Imagine the silence of shifting eyes when we all arrived on scene wearing the same belt. Who can blame us? Serena was just wearing the IT belt last week on Gossip Girl.
I teach the group a good partner stretch and everyone scrambles to pair up. No one ever wants to play with the teacher so I waddle around hypnotizing my "friends" with the African stare-o-guilt.
The most scary part was ascending the ladder in anticipation. The most embarrassing part was descending the ladder in tears.
Like the leech that he is, Nicholas suctions to the handsome man with the cropped shirt. "Just my type" Nicholas says with a smile. Sadly, Croppy drops him into the net shortly after. Nicholas was used. Croppy is a whore.
Feeling cocky, I asked the trapeze masters to remove the net as we are ready for the real show. Reluctantly, they did and Ty and I performed an amazing feat: The famous African triple-twirl-aerial-twisty-purple-nurple-swingaling-nose-dive. We don't even take calls from Cirque de Soleil.
ADVENTURE: ARCHERY
According to Wikipedia, "The American Dream" is most commonly defined as the ability to fly through the air while shooting arrows at enemies. Having mastered the ability to fly, it was time to learn how to shoot arrows. Like the bumbling idiots that we are, my friends and I clumsily lined up like confused senior citizens queuing up for their daily medication.
We shook with insecurity and shot poorly until the archery masters replaced the target images of our childhood bullies with beloved cartoon animals. Apparently, we all still have repressed demons to deal with.
Kathryn feels powerful and declares with confidence that her new weapon of choice for all future fights will be "The bow and arrow".
Having passed the practice rounds, we are led into the woods for some real archery action. At first it was cute when the archery masters sang "Hi-Ho" as we marched in line. Until we realized that he was not referencing Snow White, but rather judging us for our promiscuous patterns.
With the fear of dying from starvation in the wilderness, I stop to lick what I thought was milk chocolate syrup from a tree. But yuk! I was wrong! It was WHITE chocolate!
Unsure why we were not finding animals to hunt, we realized it was because Sebastian was behind us scaring them all away by twirling his bows like an African ninja.
Nicholas and I shoot him.
He was delicious.
SAN FRANCISCO ZOO
Ok - so we didn't really shoot Sebastian. We just gagged and bound him. When he finally forgave us, we went to the San Francisco Zoo.
I couldn't stop staring at this regal beast. And she couldn't stop staring at what I can only assume is her favorite animal.
Question: What do you get when you cross a lion and a cougar?
Answer: I dunno - maybe this??
I love impersonating animals (meow!) and the zoo gave us plenty of opportunity. Absent from the afternoon of trapezing, Sebastian attempts flight with a set of painted wings. He was only able to achieve 20 feet.
I am bear! Strangely, with 1 bear arm and 1 human arm. I'd make a patchy bear skin rug.
SAINT PATRICK'S DAY
Every morning, I struggle with what to wear for the day. But every March 17th, I confidently march up to the green section of my closet and yank out an outfit with conviction. With grand hopes of encountering a true leprechaun (yet to be fulfulled). This Saint Patrick's Day, my girls and I hit the bar scene. Understanding we are old enough to be these frat boys' mothers, we huddle close in hopes of achieving The Cheerleader Effect.
Kathryn and I dance, mimicking the often inappropriate dance moves of the younger generation. This move, you may be familiar with, is called the African booty scoot.
And it paid off! We lure a hot stud into our circle...er...triangle (making us a square by definition). Truth be told, he stood there judging us with his devil eyes. But for the sake of the blog, I will try to convince you that he is merely getting into the spirit of things by concentrating on his flurry of Riverdance.
CONCERT: LILY ALLEN
Seeing Lily Allen in concert rocked - I love her for 3 reasons: (1) She's not afraid of singing about sleeping around and small penises (2) She's British so she uses "the loo" (3) She's name has 4 Ls in it. (that's alot!!)
CONCERT: THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS
There really isn't a sexier musical group than The Pussycat dolls (sorry Ace of Base!). And they brought it! ("it" being spiral staircases)
CONCERT: BRITNEY SPEARS
And who doesn't love Miss Britney Spears? I have lived history to have been in the same breathing space as this amazing person who is not a girl, not yet a woman.
EASTER
Easter is one of my favorite holidays for one reason and one reason only. The celebration of Jesus. And by "Jesus" I mean "Peeps".
On this special day, I went to Kathy's for brunch where Nicholas made some fresh pancakes. They came out perfect - the color of a middle-aged deer. African deer.
Kathy hid eggs all around her house and told me and a 4 year old boy to find them. Feeling quite foolish, I embraced my natural competitive nature and elbowed the child in the face to get a head start. I did not win.
Brunch was served outside in the sun. Kathy advises me to wear a bib for the potentially messy meal but I refuse to hide my jugs from Jesus.
Ty pulls a Martha Stewart out of his perfectly round arse and serves us a homemade pie. It did not smell nor taste like the aforementioned arse. It was better.
Emily Post says "Always accessorize to match your environment." Ty's bow is my environment.
After the meal, we blow out eggs and decorate them. I confirmed my status as a poor lover by showing how inept I was with blowing out eggs. I don't mean to pimp out my friends, but Ty was going through them like no one's business. I'm just sayin'.
Kathy was average. I wouldn't kick her out of bed.
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| I am Chinese...if you please...
I am Chinese if you don't please. If you know the reference, you're a loser.
But the truth of the matter is, I AM Chinese..AND a loser! So naturally, I embrace the ox with my stubby T-Rex arms and welcome the new year with my most racist friends.
After hours of extensive consulting from my expert cook Mother, I was able to crank out some traditional Chinese dishes. She is yet to invoice me, but the resulting dishes included rarities such as Beef & Broccoli, Dumplings and Murky Water.
Look Mom! People ate my food!! And there was no puke left in my bathroom!!
Kathryn and Kathy politely clench their jaws to hold the food in to take the photo. Suspiciously heavy napkins were left on the table.
The first game we played was guessing which Chinese celebrity we represented on our backs by asking each other Yes/No questions.
Sebastian asks "Am I a chairman?". Sophia responds "Mmmm...I think you write fortune cookie messages."
Jeremy asks "Would you enjoy feeling up my pecs?" Stacy responds "Yes!! Oh wait - you mean the person on your back? Nevermind."
After exhausting every Chinese celebrity, we write notes to each other and place them into red envelopes.
"Dear Aaron, I love you more". "Dear Jeremy, No, I love YOU more".
Rather than writing kind messages, Sophia mischieviously writes fortunes to our detriment. Since then, Aaron has lost a sock in the dryer, Kathy drove into a ditch, Jeremy's dog ran away, and I accidentally ate a football.
Ty and Kathryn slip their notes into red envelopes, taking extra care of putting their confessions of love in the correct ones. Ty messes up resulting in an awkward but obligatory hookup. Jeremy is left satisfied.
Kathy and I hover in disbelief as we read that Kathyn will be bitch slapped by Obama Girl.
The next activity is guessing the race of random Asian people. Clemens scores 100%. Apparently, he has mastered mathematically calculating the angle of the eye slant to determine race. Genius.
As my party lulls, people take interest in the oranges. Kathy creates a spiral peel and places the hollow shell back on the plate. It was picked up to eat 12 times. Interestingly, there were only 9 people at my party so someone was really really dumb. And that person was me. (For the record, air does not taste citrusy).
Sebastian carves a heart out of an orange and shows everyone how much love he has to offer. Unfortunately, it is simply not enough and people turn away.
Nonetheless, Ich mag junges deutsches fleisch. Even those with glowing fetuses.
Happy Chinese New Years, Everyone!! Thanks for celebrating with me - especially ya'll white folks to which this holiday does not apply.
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| Food Fabulous Food!
Yes- the food was a notch better than glorious. You may be wondering what food I am talking about. Sizzlers? Red Lobster? Taco Bell? Yes, yes and yes. But ALSO ... The Kitchen and Dinner Impossible!
My sister Jennifer organized a group dinner to indulge at The Kitchen in Sacramento. What a culinary experience! We learned all about the foods we were going to eat and explored the kitchen, bombarding their staff with questions until they spritzed our eyes with onion juice.
Jennifer and I sneak into the wine cellar. The bottle behind me is really expensive - worth twice the cost of my torso.
Kathryn, Stacy and I notice ringless chefs so we shimmied our ways over. The man on the left uses his hand to stabilize as all 3 of us "ladies" wildly groped his ass.
During intermission, we went outside for the freshest sushi ever. My sisters swoop in and leave the platters barren. The other guests sigh in disappointment as a distant fish cries.
As the middle child, I thrive at center stage. I hip check the jolly chef and continue his lesson on cooking tomato based soups. With all ears on me, I convince the audience that the secret to a rich gazpacho is a splash of human blood. Period blood.
At The Kitchen, they create custom teas with a wide assortment of fresh herbs and spices. The woman looks at Stacy in disbelief as she insists that her tea be made of grade A cannabis.
The food was delicious and everyone had a great time. What an awesome learning and tasting experience. Thanks Jennifer for organizing!!
As another celebration of food, the Food Network's show Dinner Impossible came to cook for Yahoo!'s search team. Being on the search team, I was stoked to be a part of my favorite TV channel of all time! And what an honor when I was asked to design the set! With a deadline of completing large scale posters and wraps in 1 day with little direction, I was faced with Design Impossible.
Naturally, I don my brightest outfit in hopes of stealing some spotlight. Once I saw that Chef Robert and Jerry Yang were wearing neutral colors, I knew I had a chance. I waved vigorously in front of every camera I could find.
My date was Sophia. I can always count on her to keep pace when I sprint to the buffet tables.
Stacy and I toast to "soup lemon". Nope - not "lemon soup". Tune into Dinner Impossible on March 7th to find out Chef Robert's challenge.
Sophia is always supportive of my designs as she gracefully freaks up this column.
Thanks for reading the details of how I'm packing on the pounds. I figure...I need to get my money's worth when I get liposuction.
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| 2008 Holiday Parties: Yahoo! Intuit! Home! NYE!
No December is complete without the over-the-top corporate holiday party and this year was no exception. Sorry, but "hard economic times"? Really??
Yahoo!
The theme was Vegas! It was corporate's subtle way of letting us know that working for Yahoo! these days can be a real gamble. Which is fine - but please don't make me work with that Microsoft paperclip guy! He is so smug!
My girls! We are 50% blonde and 50% blackheads. Wait a minute...let me zoom in on some of those roots...
It wasn't before too long when I spotted my manager double fisting the drinks. I encourage more drinkie to get more money. Fail.
In the Luxor pyramid, we pose by what I thought was a cement piñata. I hacked at it and it crumbled revealing nothing interesting. Just rubble and tootsie rolls.
Kara and her date Ankhur. They have the same smile which leads me to suspect they might be siblings.
Danna and Harshal temporarily abandon their dates to take a photo that screams hotness. Their dates later take revenge by abandoning them and taking a photo that screams coldness. It is too cold to post.
My date and I got married! Prop 8 say whaaatttt??!!
Stacy and Danna found some Vegas-y people. I cannot identify them but one of them has eyebrows that inspire me to play pinball.
I find more trustworthy eyebrows on my friends from PayPal! I hung out with them for 5 minutes and walk away with a premium PayPal account. Suckered!
Kathryn proves that a royal flush can be classier than an over-told joke about a queen taking a dump. (email me if you want to hear the joke).
After 3 shots of water, I am ready to par-tay!!! I probably should have asked where those beads have been...
Jeremy gives me an excuse to show off how awesome my shoes are. Zoom in to see the puss and blood oozing out of my blisters.
If I am not invited to join a group photo, I take my revenge by ruining the shot. Sorry bitches - you've unleashed my wrath.
Intuit
My friend Michael invited me to Intuit's party. Another elaborate event!
Michael was very sweet date and did not mock me for being underdressed. All the other women were wearing long gowns. And me? Inappropriate summer dress. I didn't get the memo. :(
I made friends! White ones!
Nicki plays at the casinos. Is someone nabbing her cash or simply tuning into Tokyo?
Always the last to leave to pilfer through the decorations. I went home with a vase and that sprawling staircase.
Home!
Sharon and I threw a Christmas party at your home! Despite the rain and the sicknesses going around, we got a great turnout. And what's a party without a trashy white elephant gift exchange? Certainly not ours!
Kara re-evaluates her belief in Santa. If he doesn't exist, how did she get exactly what she wanted?? A thick juicy cucumber?
Sharon gets a colossal remote control to which I politely ban from the house. It's just not the look we are going for.
Christine gets what I can only guess is a designer bong.
Sophia cannot contain her excitement as she nabs Magic Rocks from a crippled child.
Everyone plays with their new toys. Sophie is still enthralled with her new project and Kara disappears into the bathroom for 15 minutes.
I force people to listen to my guitar. Kathryn bellows out the tunes proudly.
But Dina singing takes the cake. As Rome struggles with the lyrics. Reading IS hard, Rome. Reading IS hard.
Our parties bring lovers together. Even if buffered by a hand condom.
David tries to shimmy Suzan and me towards the mistletoe for some triple play. However, at the last minute, he shoves me aside and plants a wet one on Suzan.
And I am alone. Chapped lips and all.
NYE!
For New Years Eve, a group of us went to Le Coloniel for dinner and dancing. Three of the girls had male dates. I was only able to wrangle a female date. But a hot one! Score!
Kathryn, Sharon and I start the evening out with some class. Nice smiles and sucked in bellies.
Ramon's new years resolution is to look women in the eyes when conversing. Who can blame him? Steph's got a sweet pair.
Sharon's date got her a corsage! So romantic! The other men shift uncomfortably and mumble their excuses while their dates gush in jealousy. Prom Queen!
The girls before we shake up the dance floor. Notice the lack of men in the photos. Why? Because girls rule boys drool!
Stacy, Sharon and I did not synchronize our posing. Stacy was doing her Zoolander. Sharon was doing her pageant smile. And I was doing underage Japanese girl.
With a little more alcohol in the systems, we learn a little more about the girls. While Kathryn maintains a calm demeanor, Steph and Stacy's belligerent sides emerge. A brawl starts shortly after. We were kicked out at 11:59. Rats!
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! Hope you achieve your new years resolutions! See you at the gym, fatso!
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| Happy Birthday Little Baby Jesus!
"Where are the holiday party photos?" you may ask? Patience my grasshopper, but family first. Always, family first. This year, Jennifer (sister uno) and James housed 3 generations of our Han family for the holidays. Our exceptional hosts made sure we all ate well and slept well (except for when Zachary hid my earplugs - in his mouth! Waxy!).
This was the first time my Dad met his granddaughter Calie. They bonded - meaning she laughed at all his jokes. Oh wait - she just laughs. All the time. Like ALL the time. Sometimes you can't help but wonder if the child is mocking you. She gives me unhealthy paranoia.
Nonetheless, I love the little thing. I use my Donkey Kong grip and force oodles of kisses upon her. Story of my life.
Wii turn on the wii and wii play Bungee Buddies. Do wii take it too se(wiii)ously?
Zachary practices advanced maths in hopes of becomming a "mathman" when he gets older. Ignore the bruise on his cheek. That only happens when he doesn't show his work.
It's Christmas and our hosts show off their festive tree. Here is the order of height: Jennifer, James, Tree. The tree is the winner. I just want to make that clear. Because announcing such a fact is how we Asians enforce healthy competitive nature. Grow Jennifer Grow!
The best gift is a hug! But really, that's more stocking-stuffer caliber. We'll get to the real gifts shortly.
Sophie gets me a yoga mat carrier. She is tired of my excuse "Ugh - I can't go today because I have nothing to carry my yoga mat in". Note the belly rolls. Looks like the yoga mat carrier came a little too late.
I got Jennifer the famous Japanese Kinoki foot pads. We later go online and find multiple proofs that they are a scam. Beware of them at any white elephant gift exchange Jennifer may attend in the future.
I got Zachary the Guess Who game which has since become one of my favorite games. Well, Guess Who x 2 where we each use deductive reasoning to guess the *2* characters in the opponent's hand. Geekazoid Alert!
Aside from Guess Who, the adults also indulged in other immature activities. Such as competitive games of Connect 4. There is no hesitating when playing with Jennifer as she will smack your hand down, prematurely releasing your token, and ultimately resulting in your miserable loss. Then...wait for it ... evil cackle.
Another childish activity was led by Sophia. She smuggled Zachary's coloring book and filled it with exquisite shading, texture and detail. Certain to give Zachary an inferiority complex (no wonder he prefers analytical activities over creative ones).
Man - Zachary got the BEST toys!
Jennifer got me a manicure kit. "What you like?" I ask my Mom in my best Vietnamese accent.
Aside from numerous amazing Chinese dishes that my Mom cooked (Sophie as well) and the delicious non-Chinese dishes Jennifer cooked, James made us Christmas dinner. Turkey! I know - alot of turkey entries on my blog. Wait for Easter and we may be 3 for 3. Fingers crossed!
The greatest competitors in the search arena set aside their differences for a moment to share a Christmas dinner in peace. Yes, Sophie got Dad a Google shirt and I got James a Yahoo! shirt. Recall the aforementioned competitiveness.
Except this round... Yahoo! wins!! By a baby!!
From all the feasting, we figured we needed to walk off some calories. Bug-eyed glasses never looked so cute.
True to Han blood, balance is not one of Zachary's fortes. However, the only way to learn is to throw someone in a life threatening situation to acquire such skill. And so we did. I can be trusted with your child.
As some of you may have seen from my Facebook profile, one of my favorite hobbies is putting things in containers. I ended the year with a bang by putting this baby in a box. It was wildly successful.
Thanks Jennifer and James for hosting such a great Xmas week!! It was tons of fun! :D
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Here's to a happy and healthy new year!! Don't drink and drive - Santa's still judging you!! (and I am too).
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